Clams and a Side of Chocolate
by SS-Spirit
Summary: A crack fic: Felicity goes on about her daily life as her sickness quickly robs her of her sanity. How many jokes can be put inside of THIS fic? I don't know. Why don't you find out? It's also a contest entry for Rune Haven.


Clams and a Side of Chocolate: A Rune Factory Crack Story

"Felicity! The darling, wonderful, sweet sunshine of my life!" Mayor Goodwin skipped up the stairs with a wooden basket in his arms, reaching in and tossing blue flower petals everywhere in her room. He beamed as he twirled around his sick daughter's bedside, abruptly stopping right at her side.

"…how am I even related to you?" Felicity sighed as she curled back up in her bed, eyes gazing out of the distance window. "Father, I'd rather be left alone today. And besides, you know I'm allergic to flowers." She sneezed, feeling like a broken image of what she used to be. Hazel eyes scanned the bright blue sky; searching for her ever fleeting freedom.

"Hmpth. Well I think Ms. Down-Dark-and-Dreary should get out of bed." The mayor pouted, raising a finger to his chin as if thinking about something important. An odd pause rested between the two until he quickly silenced the silence, dumping the rest of the flower petals on her head.

"FATHER!" She screamed, scowling like a fierce cat with a sword ready to take on the army of the evil cockatoos. That didn't make much sense, huh? Well, being sick made one's mind wander from time to time, so it was only natural for Felicity to have a different definition of "normal". She started sneezing nonstop; face flushed with a blush as she threw the covers off of her and onto her father.

Draped in a red blanket while carrying a wooden basket, Mayor Goodwin looked at his attire with a calculating look. Felicity was brooding over in the corner, screeching as several delicate flower petals landed on her skin.

"Well I'm off to Grandma's house!" The Mayor laughed, skipping merrily down the steps and leaving Felicity to her never ending doom and gloom.

"Stupid father…I wish _he_ died in the freak accident with the dictionaries and smoke bombs instead of mother. I mean, even though I can't remember her, I'm sure she was a lot kinder…achoo...sweeter…Cough! Hack! Gag!...than father." She mumbled, twirling her finger in the dust, making a small frownie face with tears falling down its cheeks. Then she started feeling bored and added a few pizzas next to it, and being the artist that she is, started putting all kinds of toppings on it.

"I mean, I must have gotten my personality from _someone_ with the slightest trace of sanity. Mother was probably the reason why I'm so intelligent and kind, and beautiful and…oh, let's put more mayonnaise on the cheese…and zucchini, and bananas…" And she topped it all off by adding a small thong at the pointy end of the pizza, making it look like it had a small lump under it. She stared at her masterpiece with a hint of pride, taking in the feeling of accomplishment and standing up.

"…God my life sucks." She hit her head on the wall.

"Ow…"

SHE BANGS, SHE BANGS. OH BABY CAUSE SHE MOVES, SHE MOVES-

'_...It must be Lara.' _Felicity sighed as she turned towards her Hello Kitty! cell phone, which was pink and flowery with a white cat winking at whoever touched it. She scowled at her ringtone, which continued to sing in Lukas's horrible voice, and quickly picked it up. Geez, why she had made that stupid bet on the whips and the bulls was the mystery of the century.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…hello?" Lara asked; confusion mixed with annoyance traced her voice.

"Yeah. Hi." Felicity dully replied, sitting down in a nearby chair. Sure, she could've sat in the nice, soft, comfy bed, but her butt was begging for a change in scenery.

"You know Feli, you're supposed to answer right away when someone calls you. It's polite, and common sense, and it's just plain rude when you don't answer, and you really should listen to me more often, and-"

"And your run on sentences need to stop. Just shut up, Lara!" Felicity shouted into the phone, but got right back into another sneezing fit.

"Don't use that tone with me, young lady! I'm your elder, and therefore your superior. Superiors must be treated with the utmost respect, and you know someone as alone as you should be dying to have my company everyday." Lara argued back, her face turning the faintest shade of pink, waving a sharp needle dangerously in the air as Nicholas twitched in shock from the hospital bed.

"Well I'm dying anyways, thanks for the reminder." Felicity snorted, leaning back in her chair with a bored expression on her face.

"You…you…pay attention to me, you sick retard! I know what I'm saying, not you! I'm the nurse, you're the patient so just shut up and listen!" Lara screamed back into her phone while Felicity calmly waved the phone back and forth behind her head, safely hidden away from her ears.

Nicholas started crying.

"You're not a very good nurse if you can't even find out what's wrong with your patient. You quack, get a new job."

"W-W-WHAT?! You bitch! How dare you speak to me like that? I've been your friend for 16 years! 16 frickin years of my life wasted, taking this bull crap from you! You don't think I care, Felicity?! _Nicholas SHUT UP._ Felicity you better apologize you jerk or I'll…I'll…"

Felicity snickered as she threw the phone on her bed. She hung up on that bitch minutes ago, and she could still hear Lara's screaming from across town. Not that their town was big or anything.

"Well as long as Father's out, I might as well sneak out." Felicity's eyes darted to the nearby window, and she quickly jumped onto her bed like a spazzy five year old. She bashed her head into the window, creating a small crack on the surface while a big crack appeared on her skull. Not that it mattered; she was already dying and a crack on the skull wouldn't make things worse. She opened the window and giggled as Lukas walked past her house.

"Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore out you, my dearest Romeo?" She called out in a sarcastic tone, reaching blindly over for her pink handkerchief and tossing it at Lukas. He turned to her and caught it out of instinct, since the romantic within him craved this kind of cheesy crap.

"Ow…the poet in me died a little." He grumbled, flinching at that crazy chick's voice. Right when he thought the day was going to be completely against him, he caught the handkerchief and gave it a kiss before realizing what it really was.

"J-J-Juliet! I didn't know you were that kind of girl!" He exclaimed, gazing at the "handkerchief" with waterfalls of blood flowing out of his nose.

"The romantic kind of girl? Yes, now sneak me out of here future lover." She sneered at him, but when she saw what he was holding she did a triple take.

"Oh baby!" Lukas winked at her, waving her pink panties in the air like a banner.

"H-HEY. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT TO GIVE YOU, YOU PERVERT." She screamed, turning 100 different shades of red. In a desperate attempt to avenge her pink panties, she leapt out of the window with a wild battle cry.

Except the dramatic moment was ruined with another coughing fit; stopping her in mid-air and making her fall right into the lamp post.

"Wild Lukas got away!" He laughed once he realized that it was only a mistake on her part, giving her a flirtatious wink as he ran away with his prize.

Felicity grumbled as she stood up; grass and twigs sticking up in her hair from the surrounding bushes. As much of a good idea it would have been to see Lara, according to the Mayor's calendar of PMSing women in Kardia, Lara was right on schedule. Tori was due in another two weeks, so she decided that it would've been ok to give that slut a visit.

On her way to the library, she bumped into Nicholas who was still sobbing from his encounter with Lara. He looked up at her with a whimper, but tried to hide his tears by turning his head away.

"Sniff sniff…don't go in there. Lara's mad." He warned, cringing when a chair was flung out of the window.

"Mad?" Felicity asked innocently, reaching at the air above her head and pulling an invisible light switch to activate the imaginary halo on her head.

"You know…when a person gets really frustrated over something and loses all sanity?" He answered, wiping away the tears that were on his cheeks.

"Oh, yeah. I knew that." Felicity muttered, before turning towards the Library's front door.

"Uh, Miss Felicity? Are you ok?" Nicholas asked out of curiosity, thinking the wound on her head was actually kinda cool instead of disturbing.

"For a sick woman that's about to die at anytime…yeah, I'm fine." Felicity snorted, pretending to be offended by the little boy's question. She had to wrap this conversation up soon or else she was going to die of boredom.

"Well…nice chatting with you, clone number 5." She smiled sweetly, quickly opening the door and shutting it before Nicholas could question her sanity.

"C-C-CLONE?!" Nicholas shrieked from the other side of the door, making Felicity giggle obnoxiously from inside the library.

"Is that why I don't have a dad?! Oh my God!" Nicholas ran off crying; only adding to Felicity's painful laughs of hysteria.

"o-oh…h-h-h-h-h-h-he-h-eh-hell-hell-hell-no. I mean hello!" Tori stammered, bowing politely before Felicity.

"No need to swear at the sight of me, new best friend forever." Felicity smiled wearily at Tori, gliding over to the closest desk to rest her sick body.

"Um. F-F-Fel-i-c-i-t-y." Tori squeaked, taking a horrified step away from her.

"And stop stammering, I'm the sick one, remember?" She folded her shoulders, glaring at Tori with a glare that could stop time.

"B-b-b-b-b-but but but but but-"

"You like big butts and you cannot lie?" Felicity asked, starting to feel a little dizzy.

"N-n-n-n-n-o-o-o." Tori tried to hide the rising blush on her cheeks with her hands, but Felicity ended up seeing it anyways.

"Out with it, woman." Felicity coughed, wiping away the drops of blood that leaked out of her mouth.

"…you're staining the table with your blood." Tori whimpered as she tried to hold in the urge to vomit, politely turning away. Felicity touched her forehead wound with curiosity, examining her hand in surprise when it was completely covered in blood. Come to think of it, it did feel like it was raining earlier…

"I'll get a band-aid!" Ceci chimed from the roof of a bookshelf, crying like a monkey as she hopped down and dashed upstairs.

No one commented on that.

"There! All better!" Ceci grinned as she covered the wound with a band-aid, which amazingly stopped the bleeding the second it was put on.

"Wow, technology sure has improved over the years, huh?" Felicity touched the band-aid in shock, feeling no signs of blood around it.

"Hey, Felicity. You still have that rock of mine, right?" Ceci asked, leaning against Felicity's lap with wide, cute, chibi eyes.

"Uh…yeah. It's my most treasured object. Ever." Felicity nervously laughed as Ceci watched her expression, searching for any sign of a lie. Apparently the little girl was satisfied with the answer and giggled.

"Thanks Felicity! Take good care of it for me, ok?" The little elf waved good-bye to the two older girls and left, most likely out in search of Nicholas, her little boy-toy. _'Yeah, you keep that stone you little slut. I know about your thing with Raguna, and a little fyi, he's mine. You better hurry and die before he actually proposes to you.'_ Ceci thought with a dark snicker on her face, earning a funny look from Rosetta as she walked past.

"Felicity…you don't really have that stone, do you?" Tori asked, nervously twitching when Felicity flinched at the question.

"Ehhehehe…you got me. I gave that stone away to Lukas yesterday. He thinks that it's the White Stone. What a loser!" Felicity and Tori laughed at the mental image of Lukas presenting a normal stone to Rosetta as a marriage proposal.

Somewhere, somehow…Lukas had a heart attack.

"W-What?! Are you saying that that stone isn't the cursed stone?" Raguna poked his head out from behind the bookshelf, apparently eaves dropping on their conversation. Both girls clutched their chests in fright at the extra hot farmer's sudden appearance.

"C-c-cursed stone? L-like the one in that book?" Tori asked hesitantly, pointing at the book in Raguna's hands. He glanced down at the book in his hands and right back into Felicity's eyes.

"Yeah, I had a talk with Ceci and she mentioned it…then she started talking about how we were going to be 'together forever'." Raguna sheepishly chuckled at the little girls words while Felicity blushed.

"Us being together forever? My my, how silly." Felicity laughed, attempting to be modest though her attitude clearly showed how flattered she was.

"Err…I think she meant me being with her but…hey, are you listening to me?" Raguna waved his hand in front of Felicity's face, but she appeared to be off in her own world. Tori sighed as she took a hesitant step closer to Raguna's side, feeling herself get drawn in by his power of sexiness.

"She's always been like this…her sickness, I mean. Her mind…it's slowly going away." Tori sighed sadly, resting her head in the palm of her hand as Felicity grabbed the book out of Raguna's hands, reading the page about the cursed stone furiously.

"I remember when we were just little girls…and no matter how mean the boys were to us, she would never cry. Zavier was pretty mean too, especially whenever we insulted the Goddess Mist." Tori bowed her head respectfully when mentioning Mist's name, and continued reminiscing on her precious childhood memories.

"Actually, from what I heard through the grapevine; her sickness started with her mother's death. I feel so sorry for her." Tori sniffled, though her feelings were far from innocent. _'Oh Raguna…once you see how sensitive I can be, maybe then you'll fall in love with me.'_ Tori sighed blissfully at the thought, waiting for Raguna's reaction.

"Whoa, Tori. You speak normal English?" Raguna asked, not noticing the surprise and disappointment on Tori's face.

"u-u-u-uh-mmmm…" Tori trailed off, feeling like she was caught in the act. Because come on, not stuttering was pretty out of character for her.

"Anyways…she seems pretty sane to me. Whenever I talk to her, she's the most polite lady I've ever had the honor of talking to. And that really means something, with kind people such as you in this town." Raguna rested a hand on Tori's shoulder, smiling sweetly inches away from her frightened face.

'_O-O-oh d-d-d-dear! __A m-man is touching me! I-I s-should write this down in my diary! M-melody won't b-believe this! Ahh…I feel faint.' _Tori abruptly fainted; falling right into the bookshelf behind her and causing a domino effect, creating absolute chaos in the library.

"Uhh…Tori?" Raguna asked, poking the unconscious girl on the forehead. Seeing that that didn't work, he took out his hammer and started tapping her a little bit harder on the shoulder. _'Hmm…maybe if I charge it enough, she'll wake up.' _He thought, preparing to charge up his golden hammer to maximum strength, and as he prepared to strike Felicity stopped him at the last second.

"Wait! So Lukas has the cursed stone?! Oh boy…I have a bad feeling about this…" Felicity looked at Tori's unconscious body, as if she just realized that she was there.

"Hey...when did she get down there?" She blinked in confusion, looking at the flustered expression on Tori's still face and the adorable guilty one on Raguna's face. It didn't take long for her to get an idea of what happened.

"Oh, silly Raguna. You won't wake her up that way. Use the Sickle! That'll get'er up!" She advised, taking several steps closer to the door while Raguna eyed his hammer thoughtfully.

"Are you sure? Maybe the Watering Can would work better… the Sickle sounds a bit dangerous." He trailed off, stuffing the gigantic hammer into his backpack, where it miraculously fit.

"Hey, real men save the damsel in distress with no second thoughts! This is called man's intuition! I should know, my woman's intuition tells me it's true!" Felicity grinned at him, almost suspiciously, before chiming "Ciao~! Don't hold back!" and abruptly left Tori to her doom.

"Lukas? Why are you clutching your chest on the ground?" Felicity perked up at the sound of Nicholas's voice, turning to face the little scene before her.

"D-D…Dying!" He choked out, tears swelling in his eyes and he groaned in pain.

"Dying's a bitch, now isn't it?" Felicity sneered; kneeling down to meet Lukas's pained face.

"Oh I know! Let's get a band-aid!" Ceci chimed, giving Lukas a reassuring pat on the back as she leaped merrily through the hole in the broken window.

"…I don't think a band-aid will help him out this time." Felicity sighed, glaring at the tears that rolled off of his cheeks.

"Stop being such a wuss, you look like Nicholas." She ordered, flicking his nose.

"C-Can it, Feli…" He retorted, scowling at her as let out another pained moan.

"If you're dying, Mr. Lukas, why is it taking so long?" Nicholas asked innocently from the sidelines, calmly licking a lollipop that Jasper gave him as long as he visited him early in the morning.

"Raguna's in the library. And time stops when that happens because he is blessed with the great Mist's love." Felicity explained, as if it was something as simple as basic algebra.

"Oh…" Nicholas squirmed uncomfortably as the fierce glare between the two dying people continued. The silence wasn't even disturbed by Mayor Goodwin running away from a big white Wolf in the background, still wearing the red cape and clutching the wooden basket.

"I wish Raguna would hurry up and leave, cause the sooner you die the better." Felicity snarled venomously, feeling another coughing fit coming along. Actually, she rather enjoyed the idea of coughing in his pretty boy face.

"Geez, you've always been on my case since we were kids. Is this because of the smoke bomb diary incident? I'm telling you right now, it was an accident." Lukas argued back, feeling his energy start to return from the power of passion.

"Oh really? Was it an accident that _you _lit the smoke bombs in the library? Was it an accident that you had extra beans and chili that day? Was it an accident that mom was suffocated by the books, and your bad gas?! Huh?!" Felicity raged on, preparing to slap the poet when Ceci and Lara intervened.

"Felicity…glad to see you're out and about." Lara glared at her friend, while Felicity stood up to meet the glare head on.

"Band-aid! Band-aid! We've got a band-aid!" Ceci laughed, hugging Nicholas tightly around the neck as she dragged him around the sidewalk violently.

"You know…I feel like we're straying from the theme here." Felicity complained, folding her arms Indian style as she leaned against the clinic to rest her tired body.

"Don't break the fourth wall…now then, Lukas...let's get you inside." Lara grabbed Lukas by the hands and literally started dragging him inside of the clinic. "Ceci, go find Raguna and make sure he stays inside whatever building he's in." She advised, before finally managing to bring Lukas inside.

"'Kay! Come on, Nicholas let's-a-gooooo!" Ceci laughed, still strangling the boy in her death grip as she skipped off towards the library. Meanwhile, Felicity witnessed her father get devoured by a wolf. She yawned.

"You know…I really don't want that jerk to come back to life…maybe I should lure Raguna out somehow." Felicity eyed the library tentatively, wondering whether she should go inside or not. She banged her head against the wall in order to speed up her thought process.

"SHE BANGS, SHE BANGS, OH BABY CAUSE SHE MOVES, SHE MOVES-"

'_Stupid phone…' _Felicity looked around for her phone, but realized that she left it on her bed. Then why was she hearing it so close all of a sudden…? She looked towards the clinic in confusion and tried to imagine all of the possible scenarios. All of them were perverted. She shuddered. _'Best get out now before I go deaf...'_

"Maybe it's too late; he's revived. Well, better tell them." Felicity sighed in defeat as she entered the library, somehow expecting to see a murder scene. However, she was sourly disappointed when she saw Raguna, Tori, Ceci, and Nicholas sitting around a table laughing like nothing serious was going on.

"So is that why Mayor Goodwin acts the way he does? Man, he's a total psycho." Nicholas laughed, clutching his gut so it wouldn't burst.

"Y-yeah. When he lost that bet to Sabrina, she ordered him right into a chicken suit. I remember Felicity's face, it was priceless!" Tori howled hysterically, sneaking an arm around Raguna's neck. "So now he has to act as crazy as Felicity for the rest of his life. I like the way your mom thinks." Tori smirked, rubbing the two new band aids on her shoulder that covered a strange scar. Most likely from someone's Sickle.

'_Bitch get off my man…'_ Ceci glared, pulling out a mysterious white stone from her pocket. "Oh Tori, look what I found in Lukas's pocket! I think you should have it." She smiled sweetly, handing over a very familiar stone over to Tori.

"O-o-oh! It's so shiny, thank you." Tori didn't really want to unwrap her arms from Raguna's manly figure, but she had to if she wanted to be polite. She held the stone in her arms, chuckling at the cheesy smiley face that was carved into it.

"So what other gossip do ya have, huh? Huh?" Nicholas asked excitedly, leaning his head closer to Tori with intent curiosity. Raguna and Ceci mimicked him, sharing his dopey expression.

"Why don't you ask me? Oh, I have **plenty** of gossip about Tori!" Felicity muttered maliciously from behind Tori's back, really wishing that Raguna had used the Sickle like she asked him to. But she was still underestimating the power of band-aids, the poor girl.

"P-please don't…" Tori whimpered, but her pleas were left unheard as Felicity pulled up a chair right next to her big-mouthed friend.

"There was this one time during Tori's rebellious stage, where she walked around the town shirtless because she thought it gave equality to woman. You should've seen the boy's faces; they were redder than her pimples!" Felicity cackled, while Tori tried to cover her friend's mouth before any more tales could be told. The blonde blushed a deep scarlet when Raguna started giggling from his seat, while Felicity took that as a cue to continue.

"Then there was this other time when she had a crush on Camus, and me and Melody told her that he liked her back. She followed the poor guy nonstop after that, and when we asked Camus about it, he told us she was a freak with a milk fetish! Oh my god, we were dying." By now, all but Tori where giggling like maniacs, because it was no secret that Tori wrote that embarrassing 'love confession' in the library.

"O-Oh yeah?! Well what about that time you thought that the bath house was sitting over a volcano? Every time the bath started to bubble, you screamed because you thought that lava was going to shoot out of it!" Tori argued back, a little too passionate to continue the shy, stuttering act.

"Oh yeah?!" Felicity taunted back, slamming her pale fists into the wooden table for a dramatic effect.

"Yeah, you hussy!" Tori squealed back, slapping Felicity in the face while the bystanders started screaming random chants in the background.

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Raguna shouted like a rowdy fanboy, jumping up and down from his lack of control.

"Use the chair! The chair!" Ceci cried, attempting to strangle Nicholas in her death grip while no one was watching.

"Take off your clothes!"

Everyone turned to face Nicholas; an eerie silence filled the room.

"…what? Can't a kid have the need to see some-"He started to say, but his mouth was quickly shut with one of Ceci's band-aids.

* * *

"Enough!" Mist cried out from her bed, flinging the covers up in the air as she held a determined look in her eyes. She would've looked completely evil if the red blanket had not fallen right back down over her head.

"Hmm? You're up early…" Lynette noted with dull amusement, holding a steamy cup of coffee as the TV chattered in the background. The lieutenant tossed the blanket off of the girl's head, while Mist took her cup of coffee graciously.

"I just had the strangest dream, and all of the voices were very loud, so I guess that's why I'm up so early. Funny though, I thought I slept a lot longer than usual." Mist glanced at the clock, and saw that it was only 6:00 A.M. Funny, she felt as if she had slept in for a very long time.

"Oh dear, Raguna must be sick." Mist sighed as she got out of bed, sipping her coffee, nonchantly watching the TV as it played that annoying "She Bangs" song.

"How did you deduct that, Sherlock?" Lynette scoffed, turning back around as she fumbled with today's breakfast. Eggs weren't supposed to be hard to make, but she always ended up burning them anyways. Domestic skills did not come to Lynette naturally, but it was still a lot better than having Mist make _her_ breakfast.

"Oh come on, silly. Isn't it obvious? Time always stops whenever Raguna's around." She grinned like a silly child, sneezing right before she took a sip of her coffee, which ended up spraying some of the hot coffee right on her face and shoulders. She squealed as she furiously started wiping it off with her blanket, but the band-aids on her shoulder remained damp.

"You sound like you're a character in some soap opera…kinda like how I used to be." Lynette sighed as she flipped the scrambled eggs on two separate plates, resting them on the table to cool.

"What do you want with your eggs, the great goddess Mist?" Lynette mumbled sarcastically, walking towards the fridge as she grabbed a bottle of ketchup.

"Clams and a side of chocolate, please!" She beamed, skipping over to the table and joining Lynette for their not so usual breakfast.

Somewhere, somehow Tori had a heart attack.

* * *

_A/N: Well, kiddies, that's the end of Clams and a Side of Chocolate. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. This is a contest entry for Rune Haven's writing contest, with Reminiscence as the theme. I'm not planning on winning, but I have a personal goal of adding as many humorous fics to Rune Factory as possible. _

_Because quite honestly, this is a game that needs to be made fun of. _


End file.
